A Circle of Three

Why the Need to Create

Creating...for me it is something I have had the need to do for as long as I can remember. As a child I would dawn and paint, create one of a kind animals out of bars of Ivory soap (Much to my parent's dismay) and always I would write in a diary. As I have gotten older and am now living in the retirement years ...I understand how my need to create draws me closer to the Creator. I feel His peace and His presence when I am engrossed in whatever project I am choosing to work on for that day.

I love journaling my thoughts and I realize that creating something...whether it be a piece of art, a new gnome, earrings, using my Cricut to create cards or words on a shirt also is somewhat of a catalog of my days and of time in my life. Creating brings a semblance of balance to my life and helps me to process emotions in a way that brings me contentment and peace. 

So, with that being said I plan on writing more and sharing thoughts on here and also sharing items that I am selling on ETSY and also can be purchased through connecting with me on social media.

Valentine Gnomes Searching for Homes

I fell in love with gnomes last year...maybe it is living in TN and visiting Rock City that started it all. Shortly before the Christmas Holidays this past year a friend and I started making them as gifts which then turned into people ordering them. So, I decided we should continue you for Valentine's Day as I personally think they make great, affordable gifts. 

Below are a few I have made so far and all are available for purchase. They are listed in my Etsy shop:HandstoHeartArt.

We Are Special in His Sight

Sunday's sermon has given me lots to think about as the week has progressed. Our Pastor talked about branding and how it affects all of us. We see for example, the logo for Nike and we know their slogan is "just do it." Brands and their slogans shout to us and often influence what we buy, what we hope can happen after we use the product and they even attempt to tell us who we should be or could be if we use their products. I remember a few years back a friend who bought a lotion that was guaranteed to get rid of cellulite and when it didn't she wanted her money back.

We were asked these questions on Sunday: "What is my brand? What identifies and defines me?" So often in my own life I have allowed the voices around me to live in my head and allowed them to define me. I gave others the power to say who I was. One of my mother's favorite sayings when I was growing up was this: " children should be seen and not heard." In my chaotic home I was often neither seen nor heard. I always felt I had to be invisible and not give my parents anything else to worry about because they had enough on their plates dealing with my older brother who constantly created havoc in all of our lives. I had to put on a "happy face" at school but the ache in my heart for normalcy was a constant reminder that my life was always spinning out of control. 

I was a shy, introverted child and never felt like I fit in. This became even more ingrained when I was forced to begin attending the public high school in my hometown after my parents divorce when I was 14. Up until that time I had attended Catholic schools and after the divorce no one wanted to pay tuition so again life was completely out of my control. I allowed what others needed from me and what was expected of me to determine who I was and what I could become for many years of my life. I wanted to be an artist growing up, but was discouraged from becoming a "starving artist" so I went the medical route instead. 

I defined myself by: my family of origin, my husband's family after I married, my children, successes, failures, relationships, facades...I wanted to look like I had it all together...and sometimes I really didn't. But because I had been told over and over as a child that what happened at home stayed at home  putting on the "I have it all together" the mask was easy to wear. I remember a friend telling me one day I felt things too deeply and I wondered, was that a bad thing? Should I not feel things? Was I too emotional? My life was like a roller coaster and never felt like I could be authentic because then people really might not like me. I never lived the best version of myself and it almost killed me.

When I was 34 I needed to have a hysterectomy. The week before surgery a co-worker told me I would gain a lot of weight after the surgery and so I went into surgery with that thought occupying space in my head. I had gone through a "chubby" faze in my preteen years and I had felt awful during that time so I was bound and determined I would not gain weight. I suffered post op complications and by the time my three week check-up came around I had lost 15 pounds. I then became obsessed with weight loss. 

I became anorexic and exercised hours on end. The Doctors I worked for were concerned and even offered to pay for counseling, but I assured them I was fine. My husband and my children were worried and yet I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing even when my ten year old daughter and I could share clothing. I could count the ribs on my frame and still the word "chubby" would take center stage in my head. For three long years I lived this way and was down to 78 pounds when a dear friend intervened. She had come to visit and took a black and white close up picture of me and sent it to me in the mail. I remember opening the envelope, looking at the picture and wondering who this woman was. It was the wake up call that saved my life.

As I looked at that picture I knew why...for so much of my life I had no control over anything and I was supposed to be invisible. I had never dealt with any of the issues that had caused me so much pain and anorexia became my coping mechanism. No one could force me to eat...I had control over something. I wish I could say it was an easy battle to fight back from, but it wasn't. With every pound I gained the voices would start to remind me of who I was...but then, God stepped in and drew me to Himself and slowly He began to rebrand me.

I began believing He loved me, the authentic me. He created me and loved me unconditionally. I was and am visible to Him and I am who He says I am. He has allowed me to use the gifts He has blessed me with for good and has used the trials in my life for good. He continues to grow me and to allow me to become all He desires me to be for His greater good. In small group Sunday evening we discussed the sermon and I am so blessed to be with a group of people who are authentic and loving. We talked about labels we felt others had placed on us or we had placed on ourselves and then the leader of our group asked:"what would you say about yourself now?" My response, I am an Overcomer through the work of Jesus on the Cross. 

Are the labels others have placed on you or you have placed on yourself helping you to be the person God created you to be?I am special. You are special. God meets us right where we are ...there are no qualifications we need to meet.  In Christ we are new creations and the only labels that will stick are the ones He has placed on us. 

 

             

                         

Water the Seeds

My maternal grandmother was an excellent cook, loved to garden, crocheted rag rugs and just always kept her hands and heart busy. As a child I loved spending time with her and loved helping her out in the garden. She planted a lot of the vegetables from seed  and I loved watching them sprout. I loved when the vegetables finally appeared on the plants and we could bring them into the house to eat. Bob and I have tried gardening at various times in our lives and we have never quite had the success with it that our grandparents had.

This spring we planted a small garden mostly cucumbers and tomatoes and it has not been as bountiful as we had hoped. As I was outside the other day tying up some plants and pruning others that had become quite unruly it occurred to me that plants and shrubs just kind of do their own thing even when we aren't giving them proper attention. They just instinctively seem to know what to do. They spring forth from within their confines no one needs to tell them what or how...they just do it! 

We often live life outside of the confines we are meant to live in. We so often depend on other people or things to show us the way. We allow what others say about us to influence who God says we are. We live in an age where I think the "busyness" of life has become an excuse for not taking the time to grow and to flourish. We have become a "fast food" generation. Society wants us to believe that life and relationships will survive if we can get them packaged just right and when life slows down a bit the things we have tossed aside will be there waiting in the wings. With maturity comes wisdom and I know that isn't true. 

As I have watched our oldest grandson recuperate from eye surgery over the past two weeks I have witnessed a young man whose faith in God has not wavered. He has had discomfort, his vision is still quite blurry and he can't really do lots yet, but he does what he can without complaining. He has an inward approach to life and realizes he wants to be himself in a world telling him he should keep reaching for the brass ring. He loves photography and spent last Saturday at the Cross Fit box taking photographs of athletes who participated in a fund raiser. He has now spent the last few days editing them. Yes, it has been time consuming and he has to take lots of breaks so he can rest his eyes, but it is a labor of love for the man who the fund raiser was for.

I see Blake's confidence and that he truly is comfortable inches own skin. With or without perfect vision he has learned to trust he is who God says He is. For many years I was afraid to be my true self and it always left me feeling unfulfilled. I went through a long stretch of my life "painting the picture" someone else needed me to be. The call on my life to become a Life Coach and then too become a Director of a Crisis Pregnancy Center opened my eyes to God's true purpose for my life. Like the seeds my grandmother planted in the ground so many years ago, the seed God planted in my life manifested itself and allowed me to use the talents and gifts He blessed me with so I could in turn help others.

When we allow the "busyness" of our lives to take a back seat to what is truly important our lives will take on new meaning. For me writing, painting, creating , investing in relationships allows me to see Jesus in the often mundane of the daily. Taking time to savor the moments has allowed me to discover the life He desires for me to live. As life coach I often ask people if time and money were not a factor, what could you see yourself doing in this season of your life? Those dreams, those aspirations, those hopes are the seeds God plants in our hearts. And when we take the time to listen to those longings we often will find our truest selves.

What Hangs in the Balance?

So often as I sit in church listening to a message I feel it was tailor made for me. Yesterday as I sat listening not only to the message, but the worship I thought about how God always knows what we need. I needed to hear the message yesterday and it was once again a reminder that fear and doubt are from the enemy. Galatians 5:1 tells us: "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." It was a vivid reminder of how God set me free from a stronghold. 

For many years I struggled with an eating disorder and starved myself in the hope of feeling accepted. I believed thinness was the answer to acceptance. I am sure rejection I felt from family members played a big part in the addiction that placed me on a path to self destruction, but I felt powerless to stop it. At one point I weighed 70 pounds and would look in the mirror and see a "fat Cindie." The enemy had placed a stronghold on my life, but I could not see that all I knew was my thinness would make me accepted. 

The definition of stronghold is: a place that has been fortified so as to protect it against attack. In reality strongholds are a false sense of security. My addiction kept me focused on myself...what I perceived I needed...what was going to make me happy. The number on the scale was my tipping point each and every day and it is what drove my every emotion. If people told me I was too thin I rationalized they were jealous, not that they might be concerned about me. I feared rejection and craved acceptance and in my mind I could only be accepted if I hit a certain number on the scale. The problem was the number was never right...if I set a goal to hit 75 pounds and I hit it, then I thought well, I would look better at 70 pounds. 

At the time if someone had asked me I would have said I was a Christian, but in all honesty I did not have a relationship with God. My relationship was with starvation, exercise and the weight scale. I never felt freedom. I didn't enjoy family celebrations, eating out, food in general and missed out on so many moments in life. This battle went on for five years and nothing anyone said or did changed my thinking until a friend came to visit us . I had invited my friend and her husband for dinner and made a lovely meal which they all enjoyed. I ate salad. My sweet friend asked my husband if I was dying when she first came in and he told her I wasn't but was not eating very much. We sat around the table talking and catching up and she took a few pictures.

A few weeks later an envelope arrived in the mail and in it was a 8x10 black and white picture. It was a close up picture of me my friend had taken. I looked at the picture and barely recognized myself. In all honesty it was the first time I thought if I keep this up I will die. I didn't know how I could overcome it though and in wasn't sure I really wanted to. I loved my husband and my children,  but there were painful memories I hadn't dealt with that I knew were at the root of this addiction, but I wasn't sure I had the strength to face them.

A friend invited me to church with her and as I sat and listened to the sermon on that Sunday morning I knew without a shadow of a doubt I needed to enlist God's help. I couldn't fight this beast disguised as anorexia on my own, I needed to invite God in. The Pastor preached from 2 Corinthians 10 and all I remembered that day was that I needed to take every thought captive. Thus began my journey of battling the beast with God's help. I had allowed the lie that "you will not be rejected if you are thin" to take up residence in my head and now I had to replace that lie with God's truth. The lie had become my truth and now it was time to defeat it. 

It was a battle...eating was not enjoyable for a long time...the number on the scale it was hard to watch it rise...and often I could not eat without gut disturbances. It was two years before I reached a healthy weight and it was not an easy battle, but God delivered me and it changed my relationship with Him. It taught me to trust Him...to believe who He says I am and to know without a shadow of a doubt He will never reject me. In HIs eyes I am accepted, I am loved, and He is faithful. 

There are times when I'll admit I still fear rejection...want to be liked...want to be appreciated...but I don't focus on those insecurities any longer because I am enough in the eyes of the One who created me and does not make mistakes. He is good and He is faithful and in Joshua 1:9 He tells us: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I can boast about what He has done as I walk in trust and obedience. 

 

The Grandpa Bowl

The Grandpa bowl. When my Dad died he did not have a lot of material possessions, but he had two of these bowls. These bowls have always brought me joy and sweet memories. When I  am feeling “ under the weather” and need some comfort I pour some hot soup into my bowl, sit and reflect and always walk away feeling better. 

Quite a few years back a good friend found 4 of the Grandpa bowls in an antique store so she gifted them to me. I gave one to each of my adult children and pray when they look at them they remember the goodness of their Grandpa. For many years my children and I were deprived of his presence in our lives and while I can never bring back the years the enemy stole I can thank God for reconciliation and healing. I am thankful for the love, laughter and the memories we created before God called him home.

My Dad lives on in so many ways. There are days the memories come in waves...memories of him spending hours on end with me; memories of me sitting on the Padnaram Bridge drawing while he fished; him making eggs and French fries for me and there always being a Hostess treat at the end of lunch! His love for Westerns!

He was a Dad with “ mother qualities” ...he nurtured me and taught me to put others before myself. I see him in my daughter as she has a generous and kind heart... I see him in my middle son’s build, in his eyes and in his inherited love for fishing. I see him in my oldest sons humor and his love of baseball.

I think so often in life we don’t appreciate who and what we have in our lives until it is too late. I believe God has a purpose for every thing that happens in our lives, the sweet as well as the painful. I can walk in His faithfulness and trust He knows His plans for me and for you. He uses all of it to shape our lives so we can reflect His love to others.

The greatest legacy my Dad left is one of love. He loved us well. He taught us by example to persevere and to stand up for what we know is right. He taught us that obstacles can be overcome and always reach out to others. He taught us that even though our own problems seem large, there are others who are much worse off. I remember once saying, “Dad, I am so sorry you had to have both your legs amputated”...his response, “yes, but I thank God I haven’t lost my eyesight like Bruce because that would mean I wouldn’t be able to see you and my grandchildren.”

 When he moved into our home he didn’t bring many worldly possessions, but he brought us love. He brought his spirit of determination, his sense of humor, his concern for others, and the belief that we can all find our way home... there is always forgiveness. He never failed to show appreciation to his immigrant parent, for their love and the sacrifices they made.

As I sit here today I think that faith, moral values, honesty, respect, love, trust, dignity, character (none of which can be seen with our eyes or held in our hands) are the true realities of our lives. Their true realness can be seen in their power to mold us when we choose to embrace them. And it may just as surely be seen from the emptiness that will result when we choose to scorn them.

My Dad did not go to church very often but I know He believed God was in control of our lives and always went to His Heavenly Father in prayer.When I was a little girl he used to tell me that God sat up in heaven with a great big book and our names were written in it and God knew how our story from start to finish. He didn’t need a seminary education to understand that God is the author of our stories. 

I read this quote awhile back which I think is appropriate on this day we celebrate freedom: “we can’t go to God with our options and expect Him to choose one of our preferences. We need to go to Him with empty hands, no hidden agendas, no crosses fingers. We need to go to Him with willingness in our hearts to do whatever He asks. There is FREEDOM in being obedient to Him.

I don’t believe my Dad ever went to God with his options, He went with empty hands and a willingness in his heart to do whatever His Maker required of him. He was a man whose heart reflected his Heavenly Father’s unconditional love. He went with his empty bowl...knowing God would fill it with abundant blessings!

 

If Only...

The other evening my hubby and I watched the documentary of Kara Tippetts, a woman whose blog and books  I had read for inspiration. She was a young mother to four children who lost her battle with cancer, but lived each day to the fullest while she had breath. She valued the people and the moments in her life and looked for God in the ordinary moments. Most importantly she left a legacy of love and faith to those who were blessed to be in her circle.

The past few days I have been thinking about the documentary and remembering ...My Momma's last few weeks before she went to her heavenly home were a bittersweet time for me.  One day as I sat talking to her, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "I wish I could turn back the clock." I asked her if it was because she was afraid of dying and she nodded her head and then said, "mostly it is because I wish I had lived my life differently and wish I had been a better mother to you." If only...she asked for forgiveness and I did as well because we both needed to be forgiven for things we had said, for things we had done, and for those things we had left undone.

I worried she would not be in Heaven one day because she truly felt her life here on earth was beyond God's ability to forgive her. I assured her many times it was not and that all she needed to do was to ask Jesus to forgive her sins and to invite Him into her heart. One day our grandson Robert Michael who was about 11 at the time came to visit her. He knew his Nana did not think she would go to heaven and it pained him. He told her she needed to ask Jesus into her heart and pray for forgiveness because he wanted the assurance he would see her again one day. She told him she would think about it.

The day before she lapsed into a coma she told me the Hospice chaplain had come to see her and she had indeed asked Jesus to forgive her and to come and live in her heart. For eight days she laid in her bed unresponsive. I sat with her prayed over her and sang to her and the night she died I was holding her hand as she went to meet Jesus. I remember her opening her eyes, looking at me, and then looking up and she was gone. As I reflect on her life I am grateful she finally accepted Jesus' love and forgiveness, but I can't help but think how different her life and mine would have been had that happened earlier in her life. We both could have perhaps avoided lots of heartache.

If only...those words can be the enemy of our souls. There is no way back...we can only move forward in God's kingdom.. I don't have to live in my past hurts, my past mistakes, my past sin. All that the enemy of my soul used to inflict harm in my life can no longer hurt me. Jesus has and continues to use what the enemy meant for harm to bring about His good. None of us is too broken that He cannot redeem our lives.

The ashes of our past can become the fuel that grows our lives into all God designed them to be, but first you have to surrender the ashes. Kara's documentary depicted her faith, her love, and most of all her trust in a God she could not see. Of course, she prayed for healing, but God had a different plan, it was a plan she trusted even if. She reminded all of us who read her blog and books that God makes all things good according to His plans. We all have these moments. We all have these moments in our lives when we have seen answered prayers in ways that surpass any earthly reason, and times when we have seen what we never would have wanted to happen occur. What I have seen is that even in the darkest times of my life God has been faithful and I could take His hand and trust Him.

I lived a good part of my life under the illusion I could control certain outcomes or fix something in my estimation that had gone wrong., but the reality is I have no control over any of it. I have come to the realization that my only real control is letting go of expectations and "being in control" and just letting Jesus take the wheel. My scars and yours are proof  that God carries us through the storms in life. The scars remind us of the importance of leaving behind a legacy of faith, one, and trust...always pointing to the One who has broken every chain that kept us from living in His freedom.

Silence the Voices

My Daddy...he was my hero and he has been with his Heavenly Father since 1984 but not a day goes by that something does not remind me of him. His nickname for me was Cinderella. That nickname ended up being very appropriate as Cinderella and I both had painful childhoods, but ended up marrying our Prince. Beauty from the ashes!

As a child my Dad nurtured my artistic talents and I remember loving the scents of crayons, clay and pencils. It was always the place where I could drown out the pain and drown out the noise. The song, "You Say" by Lauren Daigle for me has been such a reminder that even if not one other person sees my worth...I am loved, I am strong, I am enough and I am deeply loved by the One who loves me despite my flaws. My desire in this season of my life is to allow His love and who He says I am to be enough. 

My heart, my vulnerability, my sensitivity, my creativity are a big part of who I am. It is how my Heavenly Father has wired me. There are days and times when I have to fight the voices in my head that tell me I don't measure up. There are times when the pain of being invisible hurt more than I am willing to admit, but through it all He loves me even when I can't feel a thing. He assures me I am strong when when I feel weak. He holds me during those times I feel invisible and always I can trust I belong to Him. 

My worth and my identity are found in Christ alone. This morning the reminder in church that we all mess up, at times we will be hypocrites, but we are a work in progress. Jesus rescued me from the pit, cleaned me up and daily He chisels away the parts of me that don't bear resemblance to the woman He needs me to be. I am thankful for His love, for His mercies that are new every morning and most of all for being held by the One who knows my heart and  enables me to believe I am who He says I am.

Be The Gift

We started a landscaping project this week as our front bed and back yard needed to have some plants added and others removed. As I pulled a few plants out of the ground that had not rooted it made me realize when we are not rooted in Christ how our lives will not reflect that He lives in us. In John 15:5-8 Jesus tells us" I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you. This is my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit."

I have been writing a gratitude list for years now after having read the boo, "One Thousand Gifts"  by Ann Voscamp. Some days there are lots more than 5 things to be grateful for and other days it can be a stretch to find those 5.  It's easy to have a happy heart when all is right in our world, but when the heartache and struggles come it is what we do we that that reflects if we truly believe God is Who He says He is. As I have watched several friends deal with cancer over these past few months it has been a blessing to see one young woman whose husband is facing his own battle with cancer reach out to another young woman who is fighting her own battle with cancer...God is using both of them to be a gift to one another despite their own pain  right now. In helping other heal, sometimes we ourselves are healed ...maybe, not physically, but just knowing in some small way we have made a difference.

Our world is often a dark place...but we can be light in the darkness...one day at a time...one brave kind gesture at a time. Kindness matters. Respect matters and Love makes all the difference. What if we really cared for the people God has brought and continues to bring in our lives? What if we really engaged in listening to their hearts, giving them the gift of our time and our love? God calls us into communion with Him and with each other. What if we really were the gift to someone else and helped them to be able to write down 5 things they were grateful for at the end of the day?What if we truly believed we are called to bear His fruit here on earth?

 

 

Run Your Own Race

Depp down in our souls I believe we all know we are made for so much more. More than what we are doing. In the present moment and often at the stage of life I am in I sometimes think I have not played our my part as well as I should have. This past year I have been part of a Bible Study that meets regularly on Wednesday mornings and it truly has been a blessing in my life. As I have heard some of the women stories I realize how far God's reach has been in all of our lives. The reality is no matter what stage of life we are in God is always calling us to grow deeper into Him. 

Things...material possessions, wealth, and even success  will never satisfy us. A former pastor of mine used to say, "there is an empty hole in each of us that only God can fill." I believe He sets the longings in our hearts and sets eternity in our hearts as well. When we have been entrusted with wealth or with success we should use it to help others who might not be so fortunate. I will never forget a time in our lives when Bob had lost his job, we had pretty much depleted our savings and God showed up in a big way through people at our church who paid the mortgage payment on our home and for us were truly the hands and feet of Jesus. It was hard to accept this generosity, but because we did God blessed us in that a few days later Bob got a new job. 

As a young mother in the process of creating what I thought would be the "perfect family" I lost myself in the process. My dreams, my hopes, and  my passions were placed on a shelf as I felt the needs of everyone else were more important than mine. I wasted a lot of time in my life chasing the approval of others, trying to fit in, but the only things it did was leave me feeling "empty." The other day one of my high school classmates posted a question on Facebook, "what were you good at in high school?" I transferred to the high school I graduated from in my Junior year of high school after having spent all the years prior in private school. I hated those last two years for so many reasons...but what I was good at was trying to be invisible. 

Being invisible, striving for perfection and seeking peace had started in my early years. My parents had their own issues, a son who was always causing upheavals and I knew I just needed to be the "good child." When we lose ourselves and live according to what the world tells us we need to be, we often lose the identity God desires us to have. We allow the thoughts and opinions others have of us tell us who we are. Our dreams, our hopes, and our passions die as well. 

Many years later after becoming a Life Coach I began to realize how the dreams in my heart and in yours are placed there by a loving God.. He first calls us to Himself, and then to display Him in every way to a world that desperately needs to see His image reflected. Our part in His plan is not to stay stuck, but to Trust and Obey. I have learned not to apologize any longer for how God wired me and I pray I will never have to apologize to God for not using the gifts He has blessed me with.

We have to give him the threads of our lives. When I assemble I quilt I first decide on a pattern, then choose the fabrics, cut the fabric and then sew it together. When we give God the dreams He has planted in our hearts, when we give Him our stories, our families, our friends, all that we have and all that we are...He will begin use all that we surrender for His greater purposes. 

Our stories are a part of who we are. None of it is wasted in God's eyes. I love this quote by Brennan Manning: "In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive our community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor can it become a gift for others...HOPE knows that if great trials are avoided great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." 

Our ordinary everyday lives can be the place where God meets us and where we will experience our greatest success.